When They Say: “I’m Scared.”
Telling a child “there’s nothing to be scared of” signals that their fear is incorrect — and their nervous system escalates. When a child feels dismissed, the brain doubles down on proving the threat is real. Naming the worry as something separate (“your brain is doing that worry thing”) creates distance without dismissal.
It allows the child to feel scared — without feeling wrong for being scared. Understanding reduces activation.
DON’T SAY
“There’s nothing to be scared of.”
SAY THIS INSTEAD
“I hear you. Your brain is doing that worry thing again. What does the worry feel like right now?”
When They Won't Let You Leave
Telling a child “there’s nothing to be scared of” signals that their fear is incorrect — and their nervous system escalates. When a child feels dismissed, the brain doubles down on proving the threat is real. Naming the worry as something separate (“your brain is doing that worry thing”) creates distance without dismissal.
It allows the child to feel scared — without feeling wrong for being scared. Understanding reduces activation.
DON’T SAY
“There’s nothing to be scared of.”
SAY THIS INSTEAD
“I hear you. Your brain is doing that worry thing again. What does the worry feel like right now?”
When They Say "What If" Something Bad Happens
Why it works:You're not arguing with the content of the worry (you'll never win that argument with an anxious brain). You're teaching them to recognize the pattern — and giving them agency to respond to it. This is the same concept behind Chase's Worry Cloud: the worry isn't them. It's something that visits.
Instead Of
"That's not going to happen. Stop worrying."
Try
"That's not going to happen. Stop worrying."
When They Come Out of Their Room — Again
Why it works: You're acknowledging them without rewarding the behavior with a long interaction. Three breaths resets their nervous system. Walking them back (instead of sending them) maintains the connection.
Instead Of
"Get back in bed. I'm not doing this tonight."
Try
"I see you. I know it's hard. Let's take three breaths and then I'll walk you back."
A Pattern You'll Notice
Every "try" response does three things:validates the feeling, names what's happening, and gives them one small next step.That's the formula. You don't need a script for every scenario — just those three moves.